The Calm Before Goodbye: Losing a Friend to Suicide and Family Turmoil

 

I lost a dear friend to suicide, and the pain of that loss still lingers with me. Her name was Thando (I'll call her that here), and she was one of the most family-oriented people I’ve ever known. However, her family life was far from easy. Thando came from a polygamous family, a dynamic that created tension and distance, especially with her father and stepmothers. To make matters worse, she had lost her mother at a young age, leaving her without the one person she had always felt closest to. The absence of her mother was a void that no one in her family seemed willing or able to fill.

Despite this, she tried so hard to put on a brave face. At work, she would often break down in the quiet moments, when her thoughts became too much to bear. But she always wiped her tears away before anyone could notice. I’d catch her in these vulnerable moments, and she’d give me a weak smile, pretending everything was fine. But I knew she was hurting. We all knew, but none of us really knew what to do to help her.

She did seek therapy, and I thought that might make a difference. I remember her telling me about it one day, saying it was helping her to process her feelings. But looking back, I realize that maybe it was too late. The damage had already been done. The deep-seated pain and loneliness she had endured for years couldn’t be undone in a few sessions.

In the weeks leading up to her death, I noticed a change in her. She seemed calmer, almost peaceful in a way that made me think things were improving. But that peace was deceptive. I’ve since learned that this is common among people who are planning to take their own lives—this calmness, a quiet resolution after making the decision.

I’ll never forget the day I heard the news. I was numb with shock, struggling to understand how someone who cared so deeply about family and who had so much potential could be gone so suddenly. I miss her every day, and I carry the weight of wondering if there was something more I could have done. 

Her story is a reminder that sometimes the people who seem the strongest are carrying the heaviest burdens. I wish I could have told her that she wasn’t alone in her struggle, and that her life was worth so much more than the pain she felt.