Life After GBV: Exploring How A Once Caged Bird Can Sing, Fly, and Love Again: Life after gbv

 

"Never ask your husband about where he is coming from and never go through his phone," is what that greying mother-in-law of mine said one day in a family meeting. It struck me deeply, making me wonder if these rules about cellphones, privacy and fidelity existed in our Swazi culture from the start, or if we were simply inventing them to uphold traditions that often favor men. In a society where traditions run deep, and where the role of women is often defined by silent endurance "kubeketela", I found myself questioning whether these norms were truly rooted in our history or were evolving to perpetuate cultural biases.

For years, I followed that old lady's advice despite the sinking feeling in my gut each time he returned home late, or worse, didn't return at all. The cracks in our marriage widened when my suspicions led me to peek into his phone, hoping for reassurance but discovering a painful truth instead—evidence of his infidelity. Confronting him only fueled his anger, escalating to violence that left me not just emotionally shattered but physically wounded.

Seeking comfort and justice from his family, I was met with cold indifference and blame. "All men cheat, Makoti, this is nothing new" they asserted, brushing aside my pain as if it were an inconvenience. Bound by my family's expectations and my financial dependence on him, I bore the burden silently, enduring each blow, both literal and figurative. Another painful thread in this failing marriage was the constant battle with sexualy transmitted infections that he thanked me with for my silence. After my 5th round of antibiotics to fight what seemed like syphilis i decided no more! I was out!

Determined to break free from the chains that bound me. Quietly, I began to lay the groundwork for my escape, saving every Lilangeni I could from odd jobs and side hustles. It wasn't just about financial independence any more; it was about reclaiming my dignity and securing a safe future for me and my children.

One December, the time finally arrived, I seized it with both hands. With the support of a few trusted friends and the guidance of a year long google search on "how to leave an abusive marriage when youre broke", I found sanctuary in a small, one room rental in a quite home with a strict landlord—a haven away from the storm that was my husband. His fury erupted when he discovered that i was gone, involving the police and both families, but I stood firm in my resolve to protect myself and my children. My family was the worst of them, they simply told me that they do not have room for return soldiers in their compound and that they refused to be embarrassed by me. That broke my heart i wont lie, but i soldiered on.

Life beyond the confines of abuse was not only daunting but it was testing. I faced the harsh realities of single parenthood in a challenging economic climate, but I persevered. Thank goodness for affordable primary school education in Eswatini because i was able to register my children for school in the begining of the year. I continued with my little business of selling baked goods and second hand clothes at the industrial site in Matsapha. Slowly but steadily rebuilt myself and my financial stability. 

At the beginning, my husband refused to support our children, leveraging financial stability as a means to force my return. Despite his attempts to control and intimidate, I refused to yield. Because what?! Instead, I sought legal recourse to ensure he supported his children, his war was with me, not them. With the help of the law, I garnished his wages, securing the necessary funds to provide for our children's needs without compromising my own independence and well-being.

Emotionally, the journey was equally demanding. My friends and a few councelling session at Nazarene provided a lifeline, helping me to deal with the trauma and rebuild my self-esteem.  

After escaping my marriage, I found it incredibly difficult to date other men. The trauma from my past lingered, causing me to compare every potential partner to my former husband. This fear of being hurt again led me to end relationships before they even had a chance to develop. However, through the counseling sessions, I began to heal and rebuild my trust. Slowly, I started to open my heart again, realizing that not every man would repeat my past experiences. Therapy helped me move forward and embrace the possibility of love once more.

Outside of life's normal ups and downs im ok now. WE are ok. I think after a while it became clear to everyone that i was never going back to that marriage so they let me be. My children visit their father sometimes and i have made peace with my family. I wear the title "Return Soldier" with pride, because I love myself too much to stay in a war without a cause. 

This bird can sing again.

- Translated to English from the submission of Anonymous